Mad

Recently I've been developing the ability to be mad at things. It's no longer me being angry so that my dad doesn't get angry, It's me genuinely being mad things. Just a few moments ago I cursed this very computer and on Friday I almost felt the pool water boil around me. I've determined that this feeling is somehow connected to puberty or something similar to that. It also has something to do with my recent inability to stay silent for very long. I just start talking for no reason. This is good for making friends but sometimes I annoy myself. I remember a time when my patient eye would impress my dad when he worked himself into a blind rage. My patient eye has turned red with impatience and now drowns all logic in red fury. Right now I'm agitated because I've been sitting in front of a bright little screen for three hours. My desire to punch through this laptop is hard to resist. I'm antsy is the real problem. The weekend was slow and now I want to go race something, or hit something. Assert dominance of some kind. I want to show my teachers that I've got better things to do than review newspaper articles that they won't read anyway. I feel that my work is important and it deserves recognition. I used to shrug things off and hope nobody noticed, but now I want to do stuff and ensure somebody cares! That's why I get angry. I speak with a new confidence and surety. I've even developed the desire to beat things. Not literally...most of the time. I just want to show I'm faster, smarter, or stronger than somebody else. This desire is counter productive because I know that I'll never be the absolute best at anything. I'll never be the smartest, fastest, or strongest. I've come to terms with this but unlike in previous years, It just makes me want to try harder to be the best. On Friday I felt a little pool of consistent anger that drove me to go really fast, really consistently. I wasn't even trying to beat something....I just wanted to conquer. Like how people claim land just because they can and not because they need it. I've discovered the force that drove every international conflict and/or race; testosterone! It's like an energy drink that doesn't taste like garbage and works for more than ten minutes at a time. Even though I did just talk about all the anger, it feels good after a childhood of sadness before anger. I no longer feel like sitting in the corner and being quiet. I'd prefer to be heard. Hey! Listen to my words! I've got something to say that's better than what you've got to say! I'm better and if you argue I'll still be better!  That's my brain's new default. It might be ill-conceived and belligerent but it feels good; all this mysterious confidence. That's how I've been lately.